Everything

“In the beginning were words. But not the sort of words you might expect.” – Amir Muhammad , Once Again – Trash, Our Trash Generation: A Collection of Contemporary Malaysian Ideas (1997) I don’t remember a world without language. Always, language and imagination, speculation, utters of sound. Words, beginning of words. What would I be without language? My existence has been determined by language, not only the spoken but the unspoken, the language of speech and the language of motion. My childhood was the oral tradition of Melayu people – which included my immediate family of one elder sister, one younger brother, one youngest sister, my father and mother. My world was the world of several places in memory; Changlun and Yan (Kedah), Lenggong (Perak), Jalan Pekeliling, Sungai Besi and currently it is Taman Tun Dr. Ismail (Kuala Lumpur). The years when I was an offspring (baby to 12-year old), I grew up within a people who didn’t get well with education, including my...

Hospital. This is a place where no-one can ignore reality, where life presents itself as a vision of all that is monstrous, unfair and inhuman. Well, some people think that. Once a hospital was to medicine as the cathedral to religion and the palace to monarchy. It is the heart of the enterprise, the site where medicine was practiced at its most advanced, specialized, innovative, complex and costly. In the developed world, I mean nowadays, hospitals claim the lion's share of the medical budget. Which to me, is a good thing. I've always seen a hospital as a place where a hush hangs over the endless corridors and swinging doors. The rooms where night and day are an irrelevance. Artificial low light maintains a clinical 24-hour world. Beds, patients swathed in tubes, oxygen masks, wires. Machines whirring, clicking, beeping. There was one time, I visited my auntie in the hospital where beside my auntie laying a girl, and which I got cognizant of ...

What did you have for dinner? I cooked kuey teow. Awesome. Eh, I have a question for you. Do you like mee? The yellow mee? Nope. I would prefer mee hoon and kuey teow instead of that yellow noodles. Why? Same with me. I despise that yellow mee. That's the last thing I would eat. Kan? It tastes funny. With all that bitter and plastic smell. I think it only tastes good with chicken curry. Other than that, it tastes yucky! How about poultry and fish? Which one do you prefer? Fish! This time tak sama. *laughing Fish is good for health. For me it's not. It contains a lot of proteins. Too much proteins means too much uric acid precipitation. Same with other seafood, fish is considered as one of the trigger foods for Arthritis. A joint disorder that involves inflammation of one or more joints. Macam gout. I once read that fish is not included as one of the sources of inflammation. I believe fish is better compared to chicke...

Assalamualaikum wbt.   To begin with, I have never been particularly comfortable with words and those who use them for living. I don't like the 'so-called wordsmiths', the skilled user with words? Yeah. This may sound unqualified, or imprecise but I have good sound reasons. And before you judge, I am certainly not having any issues with anyone who's in that field. As long as they're not presenting themselves with what society knows lies and frauds. I am, however used to be a girl of many words. I loved storytelling, I have friends who had passion over my stories and one, Asiah. I remember there was one time she texted me just to tell how bad she was missing to listen to my stories, whether good or sad she said, she enjoyed all of them. She loves to watch what I am at. I purse lips, roll eyes, the dramatic whisper and the cries of, "Damn!". I took that as a lovely remark from a friend. Thank you, Yah. Kita rindu kamu.   And so I quit. Words, wo...

Picture courtesy of Ruh Dias     "I cannot reach you from this side of the panes, you are no longer familiar, grown mysterious, have taken on different shades. And I cannot claim to know you anymore." - Muhammad Haji Salleh, THE TREE.   A bond of familiarity formed between us, once, following the good times. And to my relief, I regained some normalcy in my life. Conversations and dalliances grew intimate. I called that a development. Things have changed. So do you. Everything. Cold and lifeless days were. But still, the air was ripe with promise.   To try and quiet her mind, Sheriel deployed her thoughts to other things, to ongoing projects and cases at work, to new badminton techniques she was planning to experiment with, to memories of great friends and families. The diversion worked, but fleeting.   When you compromise for someone, you are saying to the person that you care enough to give up a part of yourself, to make thousand things work....

Assalamualaikum. I've not written for a while now. I have a lot of reasons and excuses in my heart of hearts. But today, sitting before the desktop, I stumbled upon this space and just decided to write something. Like a surprise, this opened up to a life I had long left behind. A life I had almost forgotten in a place literally on the other side of this earth. The feeling of taking the plunge and enjoy writing. I am writing, writing furiously. A lot has been happening lately.  I didn't know what to do. I just prayed that things will get back to normal. I lived in false hopes until one day everyone in my family had got enough with me. They yelled and asked me to move the loss. It was pretty hard to begin with. Slowly, I got distracted with family and friends made myself conspicuous by taking me out, giving me way too many advices, some are cruel though. But I appreciate all of them from everyone. A new pattern emerged. And like all shifting patterns, the transition ...

When Mama woke me up from a deep nap, we had already arrived in Kampung Bendang Perang, Changlun, Kedah. I don't have enough time to tell more about my kampung, which bits and pieces of came from this land, from my maternal grandmother and late grandfather whom both are lovable and kind. Late grandfather who was skilled in memikat burung and who was really patriotic, the one who set up UMNO Kubang Pasu long time ago. If he hadn't done so, then I wouldn't be here to talk and feel proud to be part of his legacy. My grandmother is a great cook. She speaks softly and she often makes jokes. It's a peculiar satisfaction to celebrate Eidul Fitri in Kedah since I haven't experienced celebrating it in other places. It is a simple house. At best, nondescript; at worse, nothing. It is so humble and homely, finds sweet sweet beauty with all the beauty people living inside, including those who have been brought in there. And where is stands, it catches the full but brief br...

Daud: Oh Lord, what is the reward for one who goes to visit the sick? Allah: The angels of heaven ask for his forgiveness. Daud: Oh Lord, what is the reward for one who washes the dead? Allah: I shall make him pure as a new-born baby. Daud: Oh Lord, what is Your reward for one who wraps a dead person in his shroud? Allah: I shall clothe him in the silk and brocade of the garments of paradise. Daud: Oh Lord, how do You reward a person who prays over the dead? Allah: The angels give him their salams and oray for his souls. Daud: Oh Lord, what of a person who goes to console another in grief? Allah: I will clothe him in the garment of piety and faith. Daud: Oh Lord, what of a person who weeps from his fear for You? Allah: I will make him secure from the terrors of hell. Daud: Oh Lord, if a person suffers calamity and he shows patience in the face of disaster, what shall be his final reward? Allah: I shall elevate him to high stations. Daud: Oh ...

Assalamualaikum wbt :) Animals love you blindly, unchallengingly, stanchly. They know instinctively when you are depressed or tired so they’ll try to comfort you at utmost comfort, unobtrusive ways. For people who have pets, certainly they know the feeling and some regard pets to fellow humans. In my family, there was one time, we had twelve cats staying together with us in one house and it’s an obligation to treat them all like family. So we refer ourselves to them as what all the family members recognize us. “What’s up Johnny? Rindu Angah?” And the treatment, however, gives a sort of casual affection yet agitating to them who do not have pets. My cats eat what I eat and find their own warm corners to sleep in around the house, not to mention they assume my belly as pillow and my hair as toys. When they disappear just for a half of day, even sure enough they’ll return with the look of slightly sheepish but happy over the escapade, our paranoia causes us minor heart att...

The house is deathly quiet now, but I swear I can still hear my big fat Johnny panting heavily outside my house after chasing Pakcik Sudin's cat that we call Sudin and Makcik Eris' mommy cat that we call Eris and that makes you people wonder how does the panting sound, ey? It's more of groaning and meow-ing fiercely but I am quite certain with my language. This is merely a teaser for my next post. I'm a big headed lazy maniac for the time being. Bye.

It's been near to a month *I think* since I last blogged. And honestly, I hate myself for it. It's not that I don't want to but I just can't find the time. Life has been hectic recently. And now, here we are, on the 1st of February. I can't believe how fast time flew last year. I mean, really really fast. 2012 had it's fair share of high highs and low lows for me. Not to forget some good news about people around me who got married, labored the first child, started dating, so on and on, any other good news you would easily identify. As cliche as it might sound, I am thankful for everything He has set for me. Truly. I 'traveled' a lot in knowing and understanding my own popular people and it's worth the effort. I can't help but loving them more than before and how I appreciate the chances to fix things which incessantly caused me funk and anguish in times past. There are a lot of new things that I will forever remember in living my life this day ...

The only thing on my to-do list right now is to get my head down and grab a little shut-eye. I don't want to hang about. I found troubling in extreme yesterday, born out of exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion, perhaps. Looking at my phone, I have the feeling to get one power hammer or something grudge enough to crush my phone into tiny bits and pieces. If it's there in my palm, I'll always be tempted to turn it on, just as playing with false hope, temptation to dial certain numbers which at this moment I deliberately distract my mind to forget them. Well this way, the big fat sad pathetic temptation might be removed as I wish it could be that easy. It's a symbolic little act to be executed in the heat. And now, honest to God - I am checking my phone - to make sure it's still in normal state on my lap, miserably waiting for a phone call. WHAT? I don't think I have any real idea what I'm writing about. I remember screaming, long and hard, out in the...