A cliche coming true

Is there ever a day other than feeling exhausted? All I feel like doing after work is sleep. But instead of fulfilling what my brain wants, here I am writing. Yesterday before bed, I wrote a beautiful poem about my life in its discipline, a prison. But sorry, I rather not share it here. I noticed that I’ve been writing a lot these days. Nothing really matters but myself and my writing. As I started this blog when I was in first year at university, this has been recognized as a live journal and keeping this for closely eight years now – I easily notice the patterns of my writing. I am growing wiser. I grew my confidence in writing too, so confident I submitted my manuscript, CARI, to Fixi publication in 2015 which later published online at their Wattpad. To be honest, I am not sure whether CARI is a success so there is no point to brag about it. I have other two manuscripts on my desktop – pending motivation and inspiration so they have been procrastinated for more than two months now. I sometimes got it – having lines in my head here and there so I put them nicely written but either they were too boring or too fancy so they were sent to trash. I mean the lines, not the manuscripts. I sometimes am afraid too of the perceptions on my writing – if it’s a hollow and failing substitute of my real life. That is scary. I also feel a little helpless when I think of my writing being nothing, coming to nothing especially when CARI is not printed. I wonder too if my life would be different if I could put my signature with a short script on the next page to the cover, if I could store money like Ben Campbell of 21 stores his in the ceiling. Would writing make me rich? Would I still have the same Nasi Lemak for breakfast or elegant? Do I write to be rich? There were days, my lethargy came out intensely but I still washed a pile of laundry, my cat, my hair – even those days were the paydays. However great money would make me, I don’t want money to change me. Writing helps me even without money. Just like now - my exhaustion has disappeared.

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