Anti-Depressant Post


Back in May this year, I was in the state of negotiating with God on my death date. I kept on asking Him to bring it forward before its definite time, literally praying, "God, please take my life". 

Instead of praying, I was begging him to consider the idea of pulling out the plague of my body, incessantly after the five times daily prayers like I knew better than Him. I tried to instill that, that idea was totally brilliant so, "God, please accept my suggestion".

I didn't blame Him though for putting me into a hell difficult situation I had to go through partly because I knew I begot the roots. But worse, I didn't notice that I actually have underestimated my God. Not sure if any of you have ever tried to impose the ideologies of "Humans know how much we can take it, better than You (God)" on God because I wonder what kind of facial reaction you are having now. Ridiculous as it may sound, I even wondered the same whether God actually took things into consideration to accomplish the death proposal uttered round-the-clock through this famous phrase, "I have had enough of this, God. Make it easier for me, pretty please". 

My pathetic prayers seemed not entertained (because this is not roh-tidak-berjasad writing a blogpost. Phew much?), hence I had to come out with better strategies to convince God that the death date should be determined by His creatures. But, I was too afraid to kill myself neither used to any physical damages and pain. Suicide ain't cool and it requires a lot of money and efforts. I imagined my death as something so natural, but by request. 

How can it be possible?

I started to play reverse psychology with my God, hoping that one day He would say, "Your time is up, Sheriel". Instead of pushing the God to tick on my death application, I told Him, "It's up to You. You may bring all the tests You want onto me because God, I'll make You impressed". I didn't get any of 'challenge accepted' signs but proceeded with the plan nonetheless. Days after days, I lived my life not including the death proposal in prayers, but it was always in my mind. Several times though, I reminded God on our reverse psychology game, "Just so you know, I'm still living".

Until one day...

It was in the last week of Ramadhan when I drove back home late at night from work. There were so many things to be settled before raya so I had to stay back in the office, screening the computer from 9am to 10pm. While driving back, I once took a glimpse on the dashboard, unfortunately, my eyes couldn't see the clock cleary. My vision was blurry. I started to feel sudden headache and felt the real pain and itch inside the eyes. Tears were running down my cheek and I couldn't see anything but blurry vision that was getting faded in seconds. I was blind. And I was driving.

I didn't know what to do except slowing down. At that moment, I could hear honking from the back but I couldn't see anything. So I pressed the brake immediately and cried. There came the mantra, "God, don't make me blind" countlessly while I was crying, closing the eyes real tight with the palms on my face, not knowing what to do. Then, I re-negotiated with God on the death date.

"You're right. You know the best. The destiny is in Your hand. I can't even bear the blindness, how can I face the death? Give me a second chance. Ya ALLAH, please..."

I swap tears on my cheeks and slowly opened my eyes. I first caught the street lights, some cars moving from right and left while the heads turning to me. Later, I could see people starting to come closer to my car as I stopped on the middle lane and disrupted the traffic. One guy came and knocked on the window. Hesitatingly, I went outside the car and apologized to everyone, told them I was blind for a few seconds. Not surprisingly, everyone looked at me like I was nuts.

But I couldn't care less.

I straight went back home and talked to my God on the prayer mat, "You took the reverse psychology seriously, but I am so thankful for my life now. Thank You for the lessons and tests. You listen to my prayers, that's what matters the most".

That night, I couldn't sleep well because I was too afraid that I would wake up blind once again, or worse, I wouldn't wake up anymore.

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