I've not written for a while now. I have a lot of reasons and excuses in my heart of hearts. But today, sitting before the desktop, I stumbled upon this space and just decided to write something. Like a surprise, this opened up to a life I had long left behind. A life I had almost forgotten in a place literally on the other side of this earth. The feeling of taking the plunge and enjoy writing. I am writing, writing furiously.
A lot has been happening lately. I didn't know what to do. I just prayed that things will get back to normal. I lived in false hopes until one day everyone in my family had got enough with me. They yelled and asked me to move the loss. It was pretty hard to begin with. Slowly, I got distracted with family and friends made myself conspicuous by taking me out, giving me way too many advices, some are cruel though. But I appreciate all of them from everyone.
A new pattern emerged. And like all shifting patterns, the transition seemed sudden although to be more intent, it may have been obvious that it really crept up on me. Bit by bit.
I just thought whatever happened to me, just like the same thing happened every time to anyone else. We are not designed to be around each other, anymore. But I should have noticed that you weren't there for quite a long time. I was blind. You didn't have the endurance anymore, well I could say too weak to the bone you were. 5 years and all got wasted on your own accord. Congratulations. You won this game, AS. To write your name, it took all the courage, afflictions and pangs inside me. I want to forgive and forget. I want.
You were good at inventing communication systems and apparatus, but you failed at communication. The biggest problem in yourself. Most of the time, you perfected a variety of defensive responses to certain trigger phrases. Easy, you didn't want to communicate with me. And I set up my versions of realistic expectations about feelings, our feelings and behaviors. You live by, "If it's not broken, don't fix it!" which proved an ineffective step. Why don't you first look inside yourself to see and admit that the apparent cause of whatever happened between us is because of your behaviors.
This is going to be the last post that I've ever mentioned his name. Promise myself, not even in the next 50 years, people.
It's time to break the fresh ground, live my life, be happy, go beyond, make my parents proud of me, and by far, be a better servant of Allah through and through. It is 24th October and two days left for my birthday. I have to do with my religion and my God. I have to do with heart.
"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people." - Al-Baqarah:286
I am grateful that this thing actually happened to me. Alhamdulillah. It made me realized that destiny is not within my power, not in my hands. And I want to continue living my life with a great gratification. It has been written up there, that me and him are not meant to be together. I never question why is this happening and such. Not even once. Just at that juncture, one day, I stood up and thought, "Have I not chose the best among all the choices?" Obviously, I didn't choose wisely. But I'm trying to drum up all the positive energies and thinking, relate this disintegration to what we call Qada' and Qadar and I look at this as one life's amazing experience and which that diced me away. Yeah.
"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient." - Al-Baqarah:155
We have been given an intellect, we often assume that we know that path we seek and take. What we do not understand maybe is ourselves, and our own capacity to emotionally embrace our choices. We often think we are strong enough, we often think we are not strong enough. That spectrum of inner strength we do not comprehend. Our limitations are on HIS hand. We walk gingerly, not knowing how we tread. The best of us move on with a prayer.
I should forget the road I didn't take and rather enjoy the journey of my life. So do you. See you later. Bye. Assalamualaikum :)