Crap.


The only thing on my to-do list right now is to get my head down and grab a little shut-eye. I don't want to hang about. I found troubling in extreme yesterday, born out of exhaustion. Emotional exhaustion, perhaps.

Looking at my phone, I have the feeling to get one power hammer or something grudge enough to crush my phone into tiny bits and pieces. If it's there in my palm, I'll always be tempted to turn it on, just as playing with false hope, temptation to dial certain numbers which at this moment I deliberately distract my mind to forget them. Well this way, the big fat sad pathetic temptation might be removed as I wish it could be that easy. It's a symbolic little act to be executed in the heat. And now, honest to God - I am checking my phone - to make sure it's still in normal state on my lap, miserably waiting for a phone call. WHAT?

I don't think I have any real idea what I'm writing about.

I remember screaming, long and hard, out in the yesterday's night. I felt as if I was losing my mind, and having trouble in breathing. No, that's not quite right. So I opened the windows in my room and put my head out, in the hope that the wind in my face would help me snap out of whatever horrifying 'thing' I'd got myself caught in at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Erratic.

I've never been particularly big on breakfast. Most of the time, I didn't even have breakfast at all which it suddenly reminds me of someone. "Breakfast is really important. Ada hadith Nabi cakap portion untuk meal kita dalam sehari ikut nisbah 3:2:1. 3 untuk breakfast. 2 untuk lunch and 1 untuk dinner. So rajin-rajinkan lah diri untuk breakfast." I woke up quite early today, about six in the morning, with the sky just stretching out to lighten and me dying for pee. So I had a real big breakfast to start my day, two wholemeal chicken sandwiches, one 'nasi lemak rendang' and a lot of plain water. At least I didn't put so much burden on my body besides crying all night long and so the hope all the organs would function well enough until it's time for bed. I'm an utter wreck so my appetite is probably a little skewed. The emotional stuff I can more or less weather. 

But, I can convince myself that writing somehow helping me let off some steam. Right? Or stream?

A little later now, I'm not entirely sure what time it is (my clock displays not-Malaysia time). A tiny laptop, which quite reasonable number of movies. But I'm resisting watching any. I'm still stunned to face this thing alone. And some crazy thoughts are giving me something to chew on. Otherwise I'd have the movie. Or sleep according to my PLAN A. Or possibly both.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum Sheriel yang cantik =p
Suka sangat baca post2 awak kat sini.
Masalah datang dari Allah kerana Allah nak tengok kuat lemah nya diri dan iman kita. Tadah kan tangan menghadap kiblat-Nya dengan doa yang ikhlas mengharap DIA tunjukkan jalan. Insya Allah.
Dan percayalah, ramai di kalangan awak dan bukan di kalangan awak yang sangat menyayangi awak dan di dalam ramai itu termasuklah saya yang memerhatikan awak dan sentiasa mendoakan awak. =)