I’m writing this in library, alone. It is the hour most of friends in class and the view in here is ‘splendid’. Splendid enough to see the contentment of married couple facing me with the cheeky smile from the wife at the same time as the husband keeps teasing her. The newlyweds I think. Semoga bahagia ke anak cucu. :)
Well, that’s not the precise story I want to convey. It is about being single-handedly, alone and unaccompanied. Vaguely I wonder why this moment seems so special. I feel truly calm though the library has small construction outside so it produces noise which supposed to get on my nerves. I don’t feel the heat, though. Besides, the vista and such noise help me enjoying my moment, feeling wedged among these people, especially they who sit in crowd for I feel more relief by sitting on my own. I am sure you know what I mean. We all need the compassion of human companionship but somehow we want to escape and be entirely by ourselves, through different-different styles and different-different degrees of consciousness.
A girl I know drives her car in fast speed. Another goes for long walks, sometimes stays inside her cubicle with her mp3 and book in her hand. Mama spends her time in kitchen cooking so many dishes without realizing there are only three people in the house. She stands for hours helping herself to feel entertained by remembering those moments the four of us fighting, laughing and telling her what had happened in school. That’s her skill to feel recovered from the missing disease. So yes, people have different ways.
You just need to be alone the moment you know the pressure is going to murder you. The heat when people keep questioning you when to get married, how old is your boyfriend, so on and on which from that impractical silly investigations accost the hitch. Well, that is just a regular example. Which is true right? Perceive it or not, Malaysians love competition. And they put the competition in above suspicion way through questions and assertions.
When you were twelve,
“UPSR dapat berapa?”….”Anak auntie pun 5As jugak!”….”Oh, masuk SMKA?”….”Anak auntie pergi SBP!”….”It’s okay, sekolah agama boleh belajar lebih subjects.”…..
Kids might not know the route for them conveying the strain, even by sitting alone in room because they should not lock the room’s door. There’s such rule during my childhood. So, the pressure is already there without noticing it or not. I look at competition as it is an unwise fighting for kids. Above and beyond when parents agree to commit participation,
“Angah, baca buku!”…”Tengok anak auntie Fishah, si Faiz tu, depan TV pun pegang buku!”…”Angah, jangan main bola, si Faiz tu tak main bola pun, duduk rumah je.”…”Angah, si Faiz dapat no 1, kenapa angah dapat no 2?”…….
Makcik, boleh gila tahu budak tu! Alhamdulillah, mak aku tak pernah jadi pushy fight macam tu.
The same thing happened when you were about to fill your UPU application,
“SPM dapat berapa?...”Oh anak auntie straight A1s!”…”Nak apply mana?”…”Oh, Faiz dapat full scholarship, dia nak pergi US.”…”Oh, nak buat law?”…”Boleh ke bawak law tu?”…”Takpe-takpe, kalau dah graduate, boleh datang rumah, uncle banyak ‘kaki’ boleh tolong.”…...
Worse, apparently the competition has no end.
“Umur dah berapa?...”Tak nak kahwin?”…”Faiz dah kahwin, anak dah 2 orang pun!”…”Nak auntie carikan jodoh?”…”Belajar lah grooming sikit!”…”Kenapa tak ada masa?”…”Alah, kau kerja teruk-teruk, gaji bukan naik, boyfriend pun tak ada!”…”Jangan tunggu lama-lama, andartu lah kau.”……
BLOW YOUR OWN HORN MADAM BUT NOT TO RELEGATE MY PRIDE.
At that point, you know that you have to be in our own liberty where no one ever could find you and try to wreck your emotion. And, you need to be alone, having deep inhale and exhale just to feel calm and that liberty certifies you to cry just a license to release the hypertension. These times, you need to be alone to relax completely. The presence of another human being, however close and dear, however understanding, however pleasurable, there is another tension.
Contoh lagi. Kawan tengah nangis bagai nak rak. Kau datang dekat dia pastu cakap, “Kau sedih ye?” Seriously, kau bakal terima jelingan tajam ataupun dia akan kutuk kau dalam hati dia.
It’s better to be this way. Let them burst everything out and do not ask anything. The moment they want to tell you, then they will approach you on their own and tell you things that hassle their mind. And have faith in them by not demurring anything which comes out and only give suggestion or opinion when they ask. Because in spite of everything, they just need someone to talk with, not a judge to deliver the judgment. :)
And for those parents outside there, to deal with kids is not incredibly problematical. When your kids wander off somewhere, or stay in their room too long, or fall into strange silence, please don’t get upset for they actually want your attention. Just tranquilly hurry to them and ask, as you used to when they were babies, “What’s the matter, sayang?”
Well, this is merely a random brain wave of mine. What do you think?