Jul 12, 2011

You can have it all


I know my last post was a month ago and I’m endeavoring to write so many things in my mind, yet been hectic with works, in office and home. Speaking about spoon-feeding myself, it’s way too remote to accomplish. Supposedly, I set everything down and walk off for a movie once a week. *sigh But, it’s something unworkable these days. Uh, well here is something I am going to disgorge.

I went to two weddings last week and at the end of this month, will be a photographer for my sister’s friend’s wedding. Those remarkable things attending this somewhat ceremony are the happiness on everyone’s face, more than ever the bride and groom; people eat free lunch at the same time as watching the couple sprinkled by both parents and there are gifts for people as well. Seeing that a wedding costs thousand bucks to treat everyone who comes to celebrate the married pair, I wonder how things are going with divorce.

A wedding could take many years to plan. I have a friend, who’s at my age, started putting aside his PTPTN loan in another bank account just for a marriage. His girlfriend should be lucky enough huh to have someone with that determination for their future. Me? Sorry, it’s not about me. Heh! Some of my best friends’ enthusiasm had dropped my jaw when they were planning on dresses, which hall the ceremony will take place and surprising enough with a list of kid’s names. Err? Are you serious? It’s probably just me who not prepared to live with a ‘stranger’ in a house where there’s no more escape route, everything is going to be super tandem and you have to organize your day and night perfectly. Dayyum! My mom is next to me right now and guess what she said; ‘YES! ORGANIZE YOUR NIGHT PERFECTLY!’ Yes, I am too innocent for these.

Three weeks ago, I accompanied someone to Jabatan Agama Islam Wilayah Persekutuan for a marriage consultation. To be honest, the one who encouraged her through a divorce was me, I couldn’t see any more throes and drawbacks sprang her to cry. Been cheated so many times is not a gag. That’s scary for real in life. See it’s something, the person you vowed to honor and obey till death is now your biggest enemy. I found it’s pretty frightening; eventually, your husband seems to be someone different from what you knew since the day he shook Tok Kadi’s hand, since the day he kissed your forehead, since the day you fathomed the true I LOVE YOU or even more hurting when you have kids with him. You don’t even know someday you would snatch your husband with another chick coming out from a mall; holding each other’s hands. You would never imagine that.

A wedding can take years to plan but a marriage is over in seconds.

At the moment she agreed for a divorce application, I was thinking it would be much better to get steers from the experts. She spoke softly to the Consultant, head down, eyes averted. I realized then that it’s a topsy-turvy situation she had to handle.

It’s a sad sad situation. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

It was easy for him to move on emotionally but women find it a bit clingy. There are thousand things to consider. She was not going to take the plunge by not thinking about the kids. Though all of them are big enough but she’s not working. Two of them are in college and the youngest is sitting for SPM this year. It’s necessary to create the right type of environment for her children so she’s away from the divorce matter. True. It’s all about the kids.

I need a shoulder to lean on.”

These words opened up the heartache of having her reveal that she was being emotionally abused by her husband. I couldn’t do anything except giving a shoulder as she asked. She’s now continuing to live with her children. And for the sake of children, she tried to smile again.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am. Why?”

“I heard sobbing from the toilet.”

“It wasn’t me.”

“Then who?”

In spite of, or maybe because of, the pain of watching someone I love suffer in this destructive situation, I’ve had to prayerfully accept the truth that there are many things I cannot fix, no matter how much I want to and no matter how hard I try. I’ve learned, and am still learning, that I can offer resources and suggestions, but I can’t make choices for others. I can be there for support but I can’t live their life for them. By pointing out the divorce subject, I thought after so many lies, she is going to move on and live without her husband anymore, we are always with her, weathering the vagaries of life through sorrows and joys. Deep inside her heart, she’s still missing him like before and wishing for the good day to come.

Most of all, I’ve learned a new and difficult lesson about wedding, marriage, divorce and forgiveness. Don’t spend too much on a wedding, being moderate is always fine. Marriage is something in a learning process itself. You learn how to understand your husband yet learn to depend on yourself. Sometimes, being patience is way too wearing and it’s not something tolerable anymore handling with cheating. A man can go gambling but not dating another woman. Divorce is not a handy decision to be taken. Again, kids are the subject matter of consideration whilst the husband unlikely to atone for the pain he caused. And though there’s too much pain that it’s impossible for the marriage to recover, but a mom still would like to try and commit participation. It isn’t just the kids, way too odd is because she does still love her husband no matter what.

With the understanding that forgiveness does not signify tolerance of evil, but rather, frees us from a prison of our own making. Continued unforgiveness would only provide fertile soil for bitterness to take root in our heart, causing us to become an indirect victim of the wrong done.

You want my hand or my shoulder? I give you extra. You can sprawl on my thighs when you feel like dying, cry on my shoulder when there’s no pillow, borrow my ears though you have others to listen and sleep with me when you are alone. I am at everywhere and everytime. J



10 comments:

Alin Hassan said...

I envy your writing babe.. seriously. :) Selalu la update k.

Sheriel Aizan said...

There's nothing to envy alin, but alhamdulillah if it makes people to read more, thank you! :)

Alin Hassan said...

ehh yeke? ok2 if kau jumpa nanti let me know ehh :)

Sheriel Aizan said...

Woraite alin! :)

Anonymous said...

shey,its hamim here,remember we've met on alif's wed last week,i adore u sweetheart,seriously!
u wanted to fix everything and it couldnt be done,there are certain subjects in life that Allah made it to happen and they are not determined to be changed.its fate sweetheart.still you find it as a chance tighten the bonding between you and her and it's such a great effort i ever heard~ :)

Anonymous said...

shey,its hamim,again! sorry :)
well,my husband and I are thinking for a writing workshop,i'd like to have someone for assistance.it would be a big pleasure if you want to bear a hand.call me~

Anonymous said...

Sheriel Aizan binti Mahaiddin!

Well, I am clapping my hands...

That's a symbol of indomitable spirit you'll never find anywhere else. What a great job you did! This might be over-praising but I know very well the whole story and it's not going to be very very bad as it sounds, yaa, i am a man and a husband at the same time but she should know the best destination HE has set for her and remember that HE tested us according to our abilities. So what is that sulking for? A short sermon eh? You know better than me. Take care.

A great post!

Sheriel Aizan said...

@Kak Hamim
Thank you so much Akak, actually I am not a good writer, still taking baby steps in this world :) Will call you soon...

@Anon
Thank you for a whole short sermmon :) so you know everything? I just don't think so... but it's true that it's beyond our capacity in life to question why is it happening and stuff and I just realized that our story not less terrible than other victims of husband's infidelity yet still can live in fullness, cukup makan minum and etc so we are actually feeling grateful above all graces and tests.. :)

a. said...

Hey there Sheriel! Thanks for commenting on my blog. I didn't know you even read them! Hehe:)

Cheers.

Sheriel Aizan said...

hahahaha Al! I miss you, you've been so 'different' since our last meet up n that's cheering me enough to read 'em! :D Take care, hope to see you on this raya... c: